The Five Year Guy

When I was younger, I had a hard time envisioning what it would be like to be in a committed relationship, let alone a healthy one. I never really had a good example of what a functional relationship looked like, or even consisted of. It terrified me thinking about what kind of girlfriend or wife I would be someday. Would I be loving? Patient? Jealous? Forgiving? I had no clue what was in store for me… that was until I met “The Five Year Guy.” 

“Get into groups of 4 with the people sitting next to you,” my communication professor said. I rolled my eyes… in my mind of course. The last thing I wanted to do was work on a group assignment. I was running on four hours of sleep with a black coffee and an energy drink in my system. I was hoping that my group mates would carry the workload. It was just my luck… “The Five Year Guy” was sitting directly beside me. We opened up our textbooks to the chapter we needed to read and discuss… except for me. I was reading the wrong chapter. “The Five Year Guy” noticed and said, “you are on the wrong page Courtney,” followed by a cute chuckle. He was definitely roasting me, which ironically is a trait in the opposite sex I find extremely attractive. I love when a guy can call me out on my shit, and is not afraid to crack a joke at my expense. I blushed… let out a giggle, and looked him in the eye to be met with a slight grin. 

My first encounter with “The Five Year Guy” had me hooked. I started to notice that he would always sit near me in class, so whenever I would see him around campus I would say hi in a flirty and friendly voice, to hopefully give him a hint I thought he was cute. He somehow found my Instagram and gave me a follow, at first I thought it was a little weird because we never exchanged our handles in person. At the same time, all logic was thrown out the window. I thought to myself… what the hell, let’s go for it Courtney. 

He casually messaged me on Instagram, he sent me something funny that had to do with the Simpsons. From there the conversation gradually became more flirtatious. I should probably preface that I was not looking for something serious at the time. We got to talking, and I suggested that we watch the Simpsons together one day.

We were seeing each other casually for two months before winter break came around. He promised me that he would make an effort to see me… but I didn’t know how that was going to work because the boy did not have a license. During the break, we made a few attempts to see each other, but he would always back out because he “could not find a ride.” I threw in the towel… I was annoyed, and was not going to waste any more of my time. This was the first red flag of many to follow, but this post is not about dragging a person I was once in love with under the mud. It’s about falling in love so deeply that you lose yourself, and detach from the rest of the world. 

We were laying down on the grass at a park not too far from campus when he told me he loved me. I was in utter shock, I could not find the right words to say. I think he was comfortable saying it because I told him that he felt like home to me… which he did. I could be completely myself with him without the fear of being judged. I think the reason I was in shock is because I could not understand how someone could possibly love me, “I’m broken,” I thought to myself. Plus it just felt too soon, and not with the right person. I should have listened to my intuition, it would have saved me years of my life not spending it with the wrong person. With that said though, he started to grow on me. He was kind, and always put me first… to a fault. He was extremely selfless, and a part of me took advantage of that. I felt like I could do no wrong, and he would stay with me regardless of how bad I would treat him. I’m still working on forgiving myself for that. Forgiveness and self-love is a bitch, but it’s worth the pain. Through pain comes strength… so I’m betting on the fact that by the time I’m 80 years old I’ll be bodybuilder status. Catch me on the next WWE smackdown, cause at the rate I’m going, anything is possible. 

We shared some amazing memories together, but we also shared some traumatic experiences as well. It was about 3 years into our relationship when I experienced an anxiety episode. It was in the evening when I was laying in bed and all of sudden it was like this storm was passing through my body. I couldn’t move, it felt like my body was paralyzed. I somehow got the strength to walk to the living room and tell my mom what was going on. She could tell something wasn’t right, and she took me back to my room and laid beside me. I woke up the next morning balling my eyes out. I did not understand what was happening to me. I have never in my entire life felt so defenseless and scared. My mom had to take me to the emergency room that day, and as the doctor questioned me, I was crying. She prescribed medicine to help with my anxiety. I never really knew what anxiety was, until it happened to me. I knew it had to do with the overwhelming fact that I was failing at taking care of myself and that this relationship was no longer serving me. Regardless, I kept pushing to save the relationship and myself at the same time… but in doing so I suffered even more. I was throwing up everyday for about a month straight. My family was concerned because I was losing so much weight, I literally looked like Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was trying to salvage the relationship, because I felt guilty about the way I treated “The Five Year Guy” in the beginning. 

After spending about 5 years with the “Five Year Guy,” I received a message from a girl on Facebook. She called me, and told me that my boyfriend made a fake account and was messaging her. He was trying to take her out… my heart fucking sank like the Titanic. Slow and deadly. It’s a crazy thing though… I had always said to myself that I would never leave him unless he cheated on me. The universe has a funny way of manifesting your thoughts. This may be strange to some people, but I’m okay with what happened. I needed a way out, and that was my ticket. Granted, he should have had the decency and respect to end things, but I should have too.

I made so many mistakes in my relationship with “The Five Year Guy.” I don’t want to make him out to be the villain especially when I did some things I am not proud of. “The Five Year Guy” and I were not meant to be, and I think deep down he knew that too.  

That relationship brought out the worst in me, challenged me, and made me feel emotions I never thought I could experience. Love is scary, powerful, and sacred. All in all I’m grateful for “The Five Year Guy,” he showed me how to be affectionate, how to be patient, and above all that loving me is possible.