Breathe

I could feel my chest starting to tighten and my hands beginning to tremble. An overwhelming sense of anxiety began to overcome my whole body as I stepped foot back into my house for the first time since being on vacation in London. I greeted my mom with a big warm hug as I looked to my right to see my dog Layla’s bed empty. I could feel my tears starting to flow down the sides of my cheeks like a waterfall. I felt a wave of loneliness wash over me as I gazed at her beautiful little butterfly blanket, with the thought that I could no longer be with her in the physical form. Her passing has affected me immensely, and it’s hard to believe that life will carry on without having the ability to hold her in my arms. I immediately rested my head in her bed and allowed myself to feel everything.

It’s easy to create illusions in my mind about the possibilities of how a situation or experience could’ve played out differently. The truth is things just happen, and I have to learn how to accept the outcome. When I was younger, I was the queen of what if? It literally drove me mad. I tend to have a bad habit for blaming myself for things and for passing judgment on the decisions I’ve made. It’s exhausting being your own bully. It’s even worse trying to navigate your emotions around being your own worst enemy. It’s hard to put into words with how that feels like on my body. In my lowest moments breathing becomes a chore, and sleep becomes the greatest medicine.

A month ago I had a Reiki and chakra session with my sister’s mentor. As she was doing energy work and healing on my body, she told me that I carry a lot of shame, guilt, and sorrow. She asked me what my biggest fear in life was, that was an easy answer for me. I started to let the words roll off my tongue, and I could feel my tears beginning to take form. The four words that have haunted me for nearly half of my life were finally said out loud… “I am not enough.” She proceeded to comfort me and tell me how beautiful my soul was and how much she could feel in me. I truly love deeply, and care so much about the people around me. It feels good to write and allow myself to be authentically me. I have such an amazing support system and I feel so grateful for that. I’ve had to endure a lot of hardships, but I’m proud of myself for having the strength to overcome them. The key ingredient to living the best life is having faith that things will get better and that I am strong enough to tackle anything that comes my way.