Running Home To Me

Me: I don’t want to go home. Sometimes I wish I could be like Forrest Gump and just…

Friend: Run.

Me: And never look back.

Running is such a freeing experience. For a brief period, my only focus is the path that lays ahead of me. As I breathe in and out with each stride I take, the weight of the world starts to feel less heavy. The most invigorating part is the way my long dark hair swings against my back in a tousled ponytail while the fresh breeze glides against my tan skin. My dream would be to stay in this magical state forever. A state where I’m unbothered by ruminating thoughts or unnecessary troubles. My whole life I’ve listened to the opinions of other people and trapped their words in my head. It’d be opinions on my appearance, personality and the direction I’m headed in life. It’s enough to make any human being feel inadequate. I’ve come to realize that words can haunt you, but they only hold power if you let them. Running becomes not just a physical activity, but a metaphor for overcoming the weight of external judgments and finding my own path.

It's through pain and discomfort that I’m able find my way back home. I must seek safety and refuge from within because at the end of the day no one is going to remain constant in my life except for me. I must learn how to face my fears and remember that growth, no matter how small, is still growth. Reflection is a powerful tool on my journey of self-discovery. Through reflection I can learn from my past mistakes and make way for new healthy habits. I firmly believe that embracing pain as a pathway to growth takes courage. Healing your mind, body, and soul isn’t for the faint of heart. I understand that it takes work to do the inner healing. Trust me it’s fucking hard at times.

In my adolescent years, I would pray every morning and night. I would pray that I would feel warmth and peace from within, and that each day I would have the strength to tackle any adversities I would face. The simple action of praying twice a day helped me feel more grounded and connected with myself. As the years went on, I started praying less and lost sight of the importance of having a self-care routine. It wasn’t until college that I started to begin to understand the importance of taking care of my mental and physical health. I started reading self-help books that my mom recommended to me. The very first books I read pertaining to self-love were Return To Love by Marianne Williamson and You Are A Badass by Jen Sincero. It may sound crazy, but these books genuinely changed my life. They opened my eyes to the possibility of living free from guilt and shame. They helped me see that my dreams and desires in life are attainable, and that if I’m hell bent on making my dreams come true, I must infuse everything I do with love and never let the opinions of other people cloud my judgement.

It’s funny how the universe brings people and experiences into my life that directly reflect the way I feel about myself. I notice that when I’m vibrating at a higher frequency the quality of my days are drastically better. The days I choose to be physically active, meditate, journal, read and spend time with friends are the days that I feel significantly lighter. Pouring into my cup is essential for my well-being. I make the effort to incorporate at least two of my self-care practices at some point in the day. Lately I’ve been walking the track in the evening where I went to high school. It’s been so therapeutic for multiple reasons. The first being that getting fresh air and moving my body helps me get out of my head. And second, it’s somehow helping me heal my teenage wounds from high school. I didn’t really have the best experience. I had a falling out with my friend group that fueled my fear of abandonment. Walking the track is helping me come to the revelation that I was and still am a strong woman. I have had people come and go throughout my life that I thought would be around for the long haul, but they end up just being in my life for a season of time. I’ve learned at a young age how to show up for myself even when it felt impossible to. When I was walking a few nights ago I started to think about my French teacher Mrs. Kavazanjian. She was my solace in high school, I would eat my lunch in her classroom, and we would talk like friends because we were. We became so close that it was hard to say goodbye when I graduated. The reason I am telling this story is because there is a silver lining to everything. There’s always something to be grateful for. The more I focus on the good parts of life, the more loving experiences I can call in. There’s always a more positive thought I can choose. The most important choice in life is to choose myself. If I can control what energy I put out and how I react to all of life’s stresses, then I can eliminate the white noise surrounding me. For the first time in a long time, I know I’m heading in the right direction. The universe has shown up for me and has had my back throughout my entire life. Even during times when I felt like my whole world was falling apart, the universe was doing work behind the scenes to prepare me for what was to come. When I call my energy back to me to focus on myself, that’s when everything around me begins to fall into place. I’ve got this one life… I owe it to myself to make it absolutely fucking amazing.

This time, I’m running home to me.